Anyone who’s grown up in an Ethiopian Orthodox Tewahedo school knows how it feels to be caught between multiple religious worlds. You had the school rabbi’s son who always charged interest when a non-Jewish borrowed a pencil off him, the Sufi transfer student who tided over half the girls in the class by talking about his Muhammad spirituality bullshit on recess, the Protestant who sucked up to the teachers all the way to grade 12 even though she got absolutely nothing out of it the whole way, the Buddhist who always got sick from Saṃsāra when an exam came up, the Hindu who changed every single lab computer wallpaper to the same porn image of Vishnu, and the one that became an atheist and vanished without explanation shortly thereafter. In these days, it was paramount to assert the dominance of your faith — no easy feat when you consider that children are extremely devout and just about incapable of engaging in a leveled debate, but that didn’t stop many of us from trying regardless after the Catholic PE teacher told us he’d crucify the next one to start a fist fight. In this edition of Disorder Reviews, I retrace some of the most essential arguments that we had made in favor of each major Abrahamic religion (polytheists need not apply), in the hopes that an adult mindset will help us figure out which version of God can beat up everyone else.
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